Meet the Deathbanana!
by Mewizard
Summary: This is in response to WBW's November Challenge. I rather like it... the only reason it's not G is cause it uses a cuss word every once in a while (but that's part of the requirements! ha!).


Disclaimer: I have no ownership whatsoever of the Gundam Wing Boys. Or any  
other character in Gundam Wing, for that matter. OR Godzilla.  
  
Author Notes: This is my first, and probably only, (though I may do a second  
or third one if I feel like it) fanfiction done in response to a challenge.  
Besides, I wanted a break from my other style of writing. I haven't done a  
comedy in a while, now... Though don't be surprised if some of my strange  
style still peeps through... ::certain characters scream and run::  
PS: Don't ask about the title... And the one getting bashed is Duo.  
In case you couldn't tell. The whole thing where he acts like a... well.  
I'll be quiet.  
Duo: But... But... But I thought I was your favorite character!  
Author: You are! But it's so much easier to pick on the others.  
Duo: Oh. Okay. Do I get any cool lines?  
Author: Uh... Yeaaaaaah... ON WITH THE FICTION ALREADY.  
  
Requirements:  
1) A death or injury (If GW, Relena)  
2) A reference to pink sheets  
3) A reference to pickles  
4) Bashing of a character and not the one dying or getting hurt  
5) Animals on the loose  
6) Lucky Charms (the cereal)  
7) "Damn...you really do look like a monkey..."  
8) "I gotta get me one of these!"  
9) "It's time that SOMEONE taught you a lesson, young man..."  
10) "No mommy *snore* I don't wanna go to ballet lessons!"  
  
  
  
Don't call me Shinigami if you think I have a problem with my eyesight since  
that's kind of dangerous to do because I'll inadvertently slice your head  
off with my scythe.  
-or-  
Fun!  
  
  
  
Duo skipped merrily down the hallway of Trowa's mansion. See, the reason it  
was Trowa's mansion, and not Quatre's, is because Quatre disinherited himself  
to pilot Sandrock. And at this point, he hasn't... uh... re-inherited  
himself. And the Barton family is rich too. So, even though he's not the  
REAL Trowa Barton, Trowa managed to finagle his way into their family (for  
the money). But it doesn't matter, because mansions are mansions.  
  
So anyway, Duo skipped merrily down the hallway of Trowa's mansion. His  
braid swung to and fro behind his head, and he was munching on a banana as  
he went. Heero was, for the sake of convenience, stalking down the same  
hall, towards his room.  
  
As they passed each other, Heero turned around to stare after Duo.  
"Damn...you really do look like a monkey..." It was true. Duo looked for  
all the world like a gigantic chimpanzee, since he was wearing all brown for  
a change, had a banana in hand, a braid that acted like a tail, and his  
trademark monkey-grin plastered across his face.  
  
What Heero did not remember to mention is that he was deathly afraid of  
monkeys. So, after the encounter with Duo-chimp, he hurried to his room,  
leapt under his bed, and curled up in a fetal position, whimpering "I am a  
perfect soldier, I am a perfect soldier" like a mantra.  
  
Duo finished the banana and tossed it into a nearby trashcan, conveniently  
placed in the middle of the hallway. He then went to go work on his  
Gundam... "A monkey. Pish-tosh."  
  
Quatre sat in a big black leather recliner, sipping tea as lazily as you  
could imagine. Preparing to aggravate Quatre and everyone else in the house,  
along comes Wufei. "You! How dare you sit in that manly recliner? You're  
too weak for that!" Wufei pulled out the RBS* and waved it around. Quatre  
merely continued to sip his tea, pondering life.  
  
Noticing the lack of reaction on the blonde's part, Wufei decided to step  
things up a bit. He swung the sword at Quatre's hands, intending to lop  
them off at the wrist. However, he mistimed it and swung when Quatre raised  
his hand to drink from the blue mug. The only thing he cut was the loose  
thread on Quatre's pink shirt.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I missed! NO! Nataku, I am unworthy of you!  
A weaker man beat me! Aiyee!!!" He threw a tantrum and ran outside,  
hollering insanely about having no right to use his Gundam's strength.  
  
Quatre merely quirked an eyebrow and continued to drink his tea.  
  
Duo finished his skip down the hall and made his way into the room Quatre  
presently occupied. He now had a bunch of colored, different-shaped blocks  
in his hand. His thoughts kept returning to what the doctors told him  
earlier that day. "It's time that SOMEONE taught you a lesson, young man...  
I swear, your math is horrible! Whoever gave you lessons on addition needs  
to have their head examined. Really now, 8 + 7 is NOT equal to 203x-8y, no  
matter what you were told." Shaking the memory from his mind, Duo held up  
the colored blocks to show Quatre.  
  
"The doctors told me these made a big block if I could put them together...  
Why can't I work this?" asked Duo. Quatre stared at the young American for a  
minute before answering. "See? This yellow block, you've got it where the  
blue one should go. And then that red one... ah, you've got it now!"  
Quatre clapped happily, while Duo chewed on the block he'd just created.  
  
The braided one left the room, leaving Quatre to his thoughts.  
  
"Damn...you really do look like a monkey..."  
  
Trowa came into the room immediately after Duo left. "..." He mused. Quatre  
looked up. "Why?" Trowa smiled down at him. "..." Trowa chuckled slightly  
at his thoughts. For the sake of translation:  
  
"Heero's gonna kill me."  
"Why?"  
"I killed Relena."  
  
And now, back to the story, where Trowa has donned a Universal Translator  
Hi-Tech Sounding Thingbob, and is now speaking in English, not Dot.  
  
Quatre dropped the teacup. Luckily, it was empty. "You WHAT?! How could  
you do that? You KNOW how much he's wanted to shoot her!" And after a  
moment's thought: "Of course, you realize you can't tell me this without my  
wanting to know how you did it..."  
  
Trowa sat down on the floor in front of Quatre (because, being so thin, he  
can't find any chairs comfortable enough for him) and started speaking.  
"See... she was following me. I think she was trying to find out where this  
place was, and thought that I would eventually lead her to Heero." He  
cleared his throat noisily, not accustomed to speaking more than 6 words in  
English per day. He could talk all week in Dot, but that was his limit.  
  
"She was a bad stalker though. I could tell she was following me. So I lost  
her in a dark alley, and when she couldn't see where I went, got behind her  
and-" He got cut off by Duo, who had cut through the room to get to the  
front porch. He stared after the Shinigami, whom was currently walking with  
his back hunched and his arms swaying as he stepped.  
  
"Damn...you really do look like a monkey..." after this brief interruption  
was over, he continued speaking. "So, I got behind her and stabbed her in  
the back with my trusty knife. She was wearing a white shirt, so I watched  
the blood dribble down her back and leave a bright red path on the  
snow-colored garment. I almost stabbed her again, to start two rivers  
flowing, but decided not to, since this one seemed to have hit an artery of  
some sort, therefore pumping out all the blood before I had a chance to pull  
out the knife and-" His eyes were shining malevolently, but he seemed to be  
enjoying the memories.  
  
Suddenly, he stopped and looked up at Quatre, who was groaning pitifully and  
had a nice greenish tinge to his face. "Ughhhhhh..."  
  
Not wanting to make his friend any sicker, Trowa quickly wrapped up his  
story. "So anyway, I just wrapped her up in a conveniently placed pink  
sheet, threw her in the nearby pond, and hoped nobody saw me."  
  
Quatre lifted up his head, nodded feebly, and then ran to the bathroom to  
throw up his tea. Trowa (who decided that was enough of English) stared  
after him. "..." (Translation: No wonder he's so thin. He must get sick  
after fighting each battle and destroying all those people!)  
  
Trowa shrugged and went to the kitchen to get a snack.  
  
Heero got out from under the bed, shaking visibly from his encounter with a  
monkey. He picked up a gun, stuffed it into... into... well, into whereever  
it is he puts that gun, since I don't know, and stalked out of the room. He  
was going to thank Trowa for killing Relena. Of course, his gratitude, as  
all the pilots know, consists of dueling in a mobile suit with you and then  
blowing you up--but that's a minor detail.  
  
Trowa was standing at a counter, munching happily on a bowl of Lucky Charms.  
Actually, he had removed all the oat-thingies and was eating from a bowl full  
of hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and  
rainbows, and some red balloons. Marshmallow ones, that is. The real things  
would not have agreed with his stomach very well.  
  
Suddenly, Heero came in the kitchen, sneaked up behind Trowa, and then  
thwacked him in the back of the head with a glove, causing Trowa to spit out  
a carefully selected spoonful, consisting of one of each marshmallow. "..."  
Yelled Trowa. He turned around and knocked the Perfect Soldier over the  
noggin with a nearby box of Cheerios (marked, of course, with the word  
"Quatre!" and decorated with cheery smiley faces). "..."  
  
Heero tried to bite Trowa, but to no avail. "All right. We'll do this the  
right way. Go reload Heavyarms' explosives and I'll meet you out back for a  
Gundam battle!" Trowa asked, "...", to which Heero answered, scornfully,  
"Yes that's possible. Haven't you ever played that game, Endless Duel?  
Where you pick a Gundam and fight the others?"" Trowa shook his head.  
  
By now, the other three pilots had gathered around the little spat and were  
chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Trowa hollered "..." and ran to  
the hangar to suit up. Unfortunately for him, Duo decided to get in on the  
fight as well. He hadn't destroyed anything (or anyone) in a while.  
  
Quatre and Wufei slowly made their way to the practice grounds, where Trowa  
and Heero were squaring off. Wufei frowned and turned to Quatre. "Where is  
Duo?"  
  
Suddenly (this seems to happen a lot.) a third Gundam burst out of the hangar  
and got between Wing Zero and Heavyarms. Duo's voice rang out over the small  
assembly.  
  
"I, Shinigami, challenge both Heero and Trowa to a duel! I destroyed your  
Mercurius and Vayeate suits, you guys should be no problem for... DUN DUN  
DUN!" There was a pause, while Duo waited for the laughing boys to stop.  
"Jeez, I know it was cheesy, but I didn't install my CornySoundEffectPlayer  
in my Gundam yet... Anyway! It should be no problem for..." He paused for  
effect before making the batwings covering the Gundam's chest flip upwards.  
"THE DEATHBANANA HELL!"  
  
The other four immediately got drenched by their own sweatdrops. Duo had  
obviously gone nuts. He'd painted his Gundam a bright yellow, with a few  
brown spots here and there, and when he moved the wings off the front of the  
Gundam, the chest and head looked as if they had been painted a cream  
color-like someone peeled a banana. To top it all off, Duo started doing the  
famous Infomercial Host Voice.  
  
"And what does this awesome Gundam come with? Well, you say, how could I  
have improved it any further? I'll tell you! The scythe has been upgraded!  
Let's take a peek, shall we?!" He manipulated the controls to the scythe,  
and suddenly, instead of the neon green of the blade, there showed a dark  
forest green blade instead.  
  
Heero snickered. "It looks more like your scythe wants to be part of the  
Deathpickle Hell..." Duo's eyes widened in surprise.  
  
"Er, let me adjust the beam color here... Ah! Here we go!" Suddenly  
(yes, suddenly) the forest green color was replaced with a bright yellow.  
As for that matter, the grey handle had been repainted brown, like a tree  
trunk.  
  
Wufei quirked an eyebrow. "Damn...you really do act like a monkey..."  
  
Quatre smacked Wufei in the back of the head. "Shh! Don't say anything.  
You'll hurt his feelings. What the... what is Trowa doing?!"  
  
The Heavyarms was walking calmly over to the Deathsc... er, Deathbanana. The  
head went up and down as it examined the newly re-designed Gundam. "I gotta  
get me one of these!"  
  
Heero cancelled the duel, thanks to the unwanted interference. He  
self-destructed the Gundam, to get rid of all evidence pointing towards him  
being its pilot. Trowa, after making a deal with Duo involving him buying a  
Deathbanana Hell, picked up Heero with the Heavyarms and made his way to the  
circus, where he would ask Catherine to take care of the young boy.  
  
After Duo got out of his Gundam, Wufei tapped him on the shoulder.  
"Ook, ook?" asked Duo. "You know what?" Asked Wufei. "You really do look  
like a monkey..."  
  
Quatre scowled and slapped Wufei upside the head again. "I said to shut up  
about that!" Wufei pulled the RBS* out of nowhere once again, and began to  
chase Quatre about the premises, interjecting his war screams with cries  
of "Injustice!" and "You dishonorable, weak woman!"  
  
Duo giggled insanely. For absolutely no reason at all.  
  
The white-colored van drove up not long after that, put Duo in a  
straitjacket, and carted him away.  
  
Aftermath  
  
Catherine walked to Trowa's trailer, where Heero was recovering, with a bowl  
of soup. "If he's going to recover, he'll need lots of soup. And my soup  
is the-what the heck?" She opened the door just enough to see Heero tossing  
in his sleep. He was slapping at some unseen menace, and out of nowhere,  
uttered the words "No mommy *snore* I don't wanna go to ballet lessons!" She  
backed slowly away from the trailer, and decided that perhaps Freddy the  
Human Cannonball would appreciate her soup more than Heero would.  
  
Trowa stood next to the lion pit at the Zoo. He leaned over the railing and  
whispered to a nearby lion, in a confidential tone of voice, "Don't worry,  
buddy, I'll get you out of there." The lion, of course, was more interested  
in eating Trowa's face off than escaping, but it didn't matter. Later that  
day, the news stories flashed the headlines "Maniac with Bangs of Death Frees  
Zoo Creatures" and "Godzilla, Previously on Display at the Zoo, is on the  
Loose, Destroying Tokyo, Thanks to Unknown Boy with No Name". What they  
didn't mention, of course, is that the unknown assailant was flying a bright  
yellow, brown spotted Gundam with "BananaArms" emblazoned on the back for  
the getaway vehicle.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* Really Big Sword  



End file.
